Why Do I Feel Rage?

The Good News? 

I'm not depressed anymore. The bad news? I feel more rage than ever.  

(Photo: Graham Oakley for 'Desperation' exhibit bringing awareness to Post Partum Depression)

Why in the world have I been able to get my depression under control only for it to be replaced with a temper that I've never had before?

I'm not saying I've been 'calm as a cucumber' my whole life, but I've certainly been able to roll with the punches through some very infuriating times that would have sent most sane people into a tailspin.

The other day, I was trying to get into traffic that was completely at a standstill. I was in that weird position where this truck would have only had to wait for me to inch in to let me in.  ALL he had to do to be courteous was to NOT move forward to block me out.

He looked in my eyes, I smiled at him and glanced toward the opening as if to say 'I'm gonna just scooch on in there please'...

But instead of giving me a gesture of 'of course you can', this man in this giant truck made a point to inch forward, blocking me out completely.

When traffic started moving again, I tried to squeeze quickly into the opening since my car was much smaller.

He laid on the horn like you've never heard anyone lay on a horn before.

He was prepared to let our cars collide if need be to keep me from getting in front of him.  

Normally, I'd curse him out in the privacy of my own car, maybe even honk a quick 'beep' back if I was feeling frisky...but this time, for the first time since I became a Mother 5 years ago, I took it a step further.

I was enraged.  

I felt a fire inside of me that scared me!  I was actually worried for the driver of the truck.  I sped up behind him, put my arm out of the window and flicked him off.

I kept my arm out and waved my middle finger around long enough so I was SURE that he saw it.  (Editor's Note: Of course my kids were not in the car.)

What was I thinking? Why would I do that? I am the first person to tell someone else how silly it is to have road rage because people are actually killing each other these days.

What if there were kids in other cars who saw this maniac of a woman waving her middle finger? That's not fair for them to have to see that obscene gesture.

And that's not where it ends.

I was rushing to get my daughter to her piano lesson at a music studio where she just started going.

My daughter is painfully shy and takes a few times meeting someone to warm up to them.  During her first lesson with this teacher, she cried for 20 minutes and the lesson was only 15 more minutes.

But, finally she got used to her and they built a rapport.

The next week, I got a call about how the teacher had some reason to where she had to cancel.  I appreciated her letting me know over the phone so we didn't drive there and waste our time.

The week immediately after that...I get to the lesson after taking my daughter out of pre-school as I do each week, and the receptionist tells me the teacher had a 'last minute performance'??????

First of all, what exactly requires an emergency performance short of the Pope or President specifically wanting you to play the piano for them?

I was so enraged but tried to keep my cool in front of my daughter and the other people there.

"When did you find this out? It seems weird that she'd be called out on the same day for a performance"

"Oh well, I knew yesterday but...."

"But what????? Why didn't you call me yesterday!?  I drove all the way here and now you're telling me after I arrive that the lesson has been cancelled for the second week in a row?"

"Here's 'TOM' and he's going to substitute for her today"

"UMMMMMMM no that's not going to work. My daughter is very shy and there's no way she's going to get a lesson from a substitute."

---> Cue Norah crying once TOM comes over and tries to start coaxing her to 'trust him' and 'don't worry'. 

When I tell you I almost lost it, believe me.  They even tried to imply that they would 'do me a favor and not charge me for the lesson'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was shaking.  I was so angry and frustrated and not to overuse the word, but I was raging!

I had to talk myself out of making a scene. I had to walk away. I couldn't say 'Thank you' or 'have a nice day' or 'no problem. Things happen. We can reschedule" like I NORMALLY would say.

I just walked out with Norah...she's still crying and I'm holding it all together.

I realized I'm Not Acting Like Myself.

So, it's back to the mental health drawing board for me.

Maybe I'll start doing yoga with my husband at night.  It seems to be helping his anxiety a lot.

Or maybe I'll just try to 'unbusy' myself a little bit.  I'm well aware that the massive amount of things I have taken on are probably wearing on my patience.

-Full time radio show that requires me to be at the studio at 4:30am

-Weekly Podcasting for 'Face of a Feminist' (because it fulfills me...but it's still an obligation)

-Event planning for 'Face of a Feminist' fundraiser coming up in a few weeks

-A new Saturday morning show from 8-10am that Marissa and I do live!

-Motherhood, including registering my daughter for Kindergarten which is so sad and giving me major mom guilt for working so much and now she's already in Kindergarten OMG.

The list could go on...

I know this schedule can't go on forever.  But, until I figure out which thing on the list can wait, I just have to take it one day at a time.

I've heard the horror stories of people who can't control their anger and I refuse to become one of them!  I have too many amazing things in my life to be letting petty things, and they're all petty, get me to the point of such fiery anger.

Thanks for reading. I feel better already! xoxo

Follow my journey below if you'd like. 2018 is going to be one hell of a ride!