I’m just going to write my feelings down in this post and kind of just update you all with what's been going on with me! I guess you can say that this is a vulnerability post. Or just a post to remind you that everything will be okay… Or a post that you maybe just need to see.
I know the past year and a half has been rough for all of us. We all have our struggles and bumps in the road that we are trying to get over. I am here to tell you that you are not alone.
For the past couple of months, I have been really trying to focus more on my mental health. I feel like this wasn’t something I really wanted to do… it was something I HAD TO DO.
I got to a point where I just didn’t like who I was. I was in a very dark place mentally. I don’t know really what triggered it… I just know those thoughts were there.
I felt useless. I felt unwanted. I felt paranoid. I felt all the negative things. I got to a point where I felt like I was just a damper to everyone, and they would be better off without me. Yup – the mind can be a messed-up place.
You may look at my social media or listen to me on the morning show and think that my life is perfect. That I have it all and that I should be nothing but happy. Maybe that’s why I was so hard on myself for feeling the way I did. I kept thinking Why am I so ungrateful? Why can’t I just be happy? I have a beautiful wife, healthy kids, nice car, nice home, good job, food on the table, bills are paid. BUT I was unhappy. THIS feeling was not sitting well with me.
The more I thought about it – the more negative thoughts I thought of.
The problem with me is that I have really bad anxiety which turned into full blown depression. Once you get to that stage… it’s like a black and white filter is all you see. No matter how beautiful life was around me… I was in a dark place.
This is when I knew I really needed help. I don’t want to pass this negativity on to my kids. I don’t want my wife to come home to a miserable person… I needed to fix me.
There was a day when my daughter asked me... "Mommy are you happy" - This broke me. I will always remember her asking me that and realizing... they can tell I am falling into pieces. I needed to fix me!
Now as I type this… I am not HEALED. I am not a new person who is happy… I am a person who is working on themselves.
I also feel weird putting this out there like this because yes... I’m usually very vulnerable on my social media, but this is something that I don’t want to bring more attention to me.
I am not over here saying LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME. I’m here to just make you realize that you are not alone and maybe it’s time to check in with yourself.
Now it does feel good to have a supportive audience, but I don’t want you to think that I am posting this for content. Or for likes. Or to capitalize on it. I am truly trying to make a change within myself, and this could be your sign to invest in yourself too.
We are always concerned about other people and what they’re doing with their lives. We need to start worrying about ourselves and our own mental health and wellbeing.
I am now a firm believer that no one can love you if you don’t love yourself. No matter how many times I heard from people that they loved me… I didn’t want to believe them because I wasn’t happy with myself.
Some things I have bee doing to focus on ME and my wellbeing...
Of course, Talking to my therapist to learn ways to talk myself out of those negative thoughts.
Being more vocal about my feelings with my wife.
Knowing to walk away from a situation if I feel heated.
Going to the gym/going for a run.
Spending time with my family.
Listening to podcasts.
This past weekend I went on a camping trip with my two friends who camp all the time! We found a beautiful spot in Sebring, Florida and camped Friday and Saturday night. It was nice to disconnect from social media, go for a hike, breathe in the fresh air, and just spend some time with my thoughts. I came back feeling so much better about myself.
Take some time for you. Reach out to the people who love you. Remember that your life matters.
Here are some pictures from that MUCH NEEDED relaxing trip!